Who's in control?

"I can  do all things through Christ who gives me strength"...Phil. 4:13

For the better part of my 41 years on this planet, it has been all about me.....what can I do for me?, what's in it for me?, etc..but as I get older, and my circumstances become more challenging, I am seeing for the first time that it's NOT all about me, but all about HIM! Jesus Christ through the Father, works to make sure that life isn't all about us. Because I've had my focus on myself and even my family, sometimes God has to put what I like to think as "wake-up calls" in our paths to make us realize that..."HELLO", it's not all about you.

Let me explain........recently I have experienced a job loss, actually, it's been over a year. Anyway, for the first couple of months everything was okay (so I thought) because I felt like I was entitled to take some time off from working because I had spent so much time working....lol But, this was not the case, although at the time I could not see it, because the longer I remained out of work, guess what? I became lazy, self-centered, out of focus, etc.. and that led me to sink into a deep depression, the likes of which I have never experienced, even after my father's untimely death in 1982. There was no direction at the time, I didn't care about anything because I was paying bills on time and still having extra to spend on myself and my son.  But the depression became more intense to the point where I didn't want to get out of the bed and even days where I didn't eat. In the back of my mind, I knew that Jesus was trying to get my attention, but I convinced myself (or someone helped me) that all that would happen would be that I would read the Bible for a few days and then it would be back to the same old routine. So, I wouldn't pick it up, just keep walking by it, thinking to myself, "Why should I try THIS again?".

Then, something started to happen.....the money began to thin out, the job search had stalled, I basically started giving up and not really caring what happened! But God did care and He was always there with me......even when I doubted that He wanted anything to do with me. I can't tell you how it felt when I began to realize that by not allowing God to be in control and thinking that I could do it all, I was allowing Satan to come in and take over my life, clouding my judgement, and taking away the experience of walking with God. This is not to say that I won't experience adversity in my life...oh no, just the opposite!!!  To this day, I am experiencing adversity, but I'm learning that it's the way in which we handle such adversity that reflects our relationship with God.

The funny thing about being depressed, is that there are so many alternatives in which we can handle or treat depression. I have found myself watching commericals for the drugs that are used to treat depression/mental illness, and I'm telling y'all, when you hear the side effects of such drugs, that alone can almost bring you out of depression!! I'm not making light of being depressed or having mental illness, but speaking for myself, I can only say that I do not wish to take something that could possibly do me more harm than good!!  In fact, some of the commericals that advertise such drugs scare me with the thought of what they can do to not only your body,but your mind!

Now, I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I am working on re-establishing my relationship with God by returning to the Word. My next step is finding a church that will minister to me and my family, both through the good and bad times. My goal for the new year is to return to the Master!

My hope throughout this blog is to reach out to those who are experiencing the same things and minister to them! If you know of someone who is tired of living the way they are and wants to change their life, please pass this blog to them. 

I can be reached on Facebook or my email address.....agwade1@rocketmail.com or amandawd9@gmail.com.

The Search Continues

In one way or another, we are searching for something: true love, a good job, a better home, etc., but along the way I suppose that we lose sight of what we should be looking for....a closer relationship to God. I know that you're probably thinking, "Amanda, seriously.....YOU??  talking about God?", but you know, throughout my life, regardless of what I have done and said, God was always there, never judging me even when those around me either deserted me, ignored me, or just looked at me with disregard. No matter.....although at the time I couldn't or wouldn't see it, God was there....waiting, just waiting. He never left my side, although I have given him plenty of reason, He never did. Patience has never been one of my virtues, by any means of the imagination, but wow, if I could just have the patience that God has had with me, my possibilities would be endless.

Today's world demands that we cater to OUR desires, OUR wants, and OUR needs, with little or no thought to the person next to us, in front of us, or behind us. I have been guilty so many times of seeing someone in need and thinking to myself, "Let someone else help them". Those of your  who know me know how  compassionate i am, and if you don't, well, I am so compassionate that when I watch a commerical on TV for feed the children or the ASPCA, I break out into tears...ask my son, he'll tell you..:) But you know what? God made me that way...He knows that if I can help someone, I will do it in a heartbeat. The kids that go to school with my son and who see me at a ballgame and that always gives me a hug, those kids are my heart...I love each and everyone of them so much and to know how much potential each one has, just waiting for a chance to shine, well, it makes me smile!

Now, this part may seem strange to you, but bear with me, ok?  Trials and tribulations are good things.  Yes, that's what I said....trials and tribulations are good things. Why? Because guess who will always be there when you need them and when no one else is............God!!!  The flesh will tell you that you need to solve your problem anyway possible, regardless of the result, but God doesn't work like that....He wants us to lean on Him and not allow the world dictate to us how to handle our problems. Besides, when we try to solve our own problems, usually all you are accomplishing, is making the problem worse, without achieving the result you were looking for in the first place. Funny, isn't it.....that when you are experiencing a problem that you just cannot seem to handle or that you don't foresee having a positive result, God is right there, waiting..........waiting for you to allow God to enter into you heart, your life, your mind and let Him guide you and help you through your most difficult times.

I can't do everything on my own and to this day, I try to do everything on my own, but I'm learning to let some things go and let God handle them. I know that this will take time, but I have to depend on God and less on myself. Now, once I allow God to enter into my heart, my life, my thoughts, etc., things begin to change and I'm not so tempted to let the world dictate to me what I should be doing, or how I should be dressing, or even how I should be thinking, as that way of life doesn't matter anymore, only that I allow God to be the biggest part of my day and that others can see Him living through me.

There will be times when, yes, I will stumble along the way, but when that occurs, I need to get up, brush myself off, pray to God for thankfulness for His mercy and grace, as He knows that times like that will happen. However, I need to remind myself that does not give me a license to just go out and sin anytime that I want to and then come home and repent...no, that's not how it works....you have to constantly be aware of the temptations around you and avoid them...if you are trying to quit drinking, stay away from the bars and clubs, if you are trying to quit using drugs, quit hanging around people who you know use them; the list goes on, but sometimes it takes common sense as well to know where you do and don't need to be.....advice that I've always know, but seldom ever used.

The journey begins with the first step and I know that by allowing God to take over in the driver's seat and let Him be in charge, that although there will still be challenges and obstacles, as Him as my guide, I can rest assure that everything will be okay in the end.